Experiencies of God and loneliness.

I am afraid of being alone. I mean, totally alone, not anyone around you. I have come to hate loneliness. This is a result of my childhood and youth. I was always alone, I was silent, I was shy. Nobody wanted to be with me, not even to go by my side when the school was out walking. Nobody wanted to sit by my side, nobody wanted to play with me. Always I stood looking at the others when they had fun. Oh, I would have wanted to be playing too. To be together. Running, shouting, do small nasty things to each other. But I stood silent and looked away, nonexistent. Non-heard, non-seen.

I learned to pretend it didn't matter. I had my fantasies, daydreams. There I could run and shout. I learned to compensate by reading, I read everything that came in my way. I was good in school. The only thing the others wanted from me was answers to their questions. I knew all the answers. My parents said the teachers tried to 'propose'. It hurted me.

I had my first experience of 'the light' as a teenager. It was 'unity', everything was light, and it felt so sweet. This was 'God'. It lasted only for a short while, something disturbed my perceptions, and the contact was broken. This was an enormous experience. I never forget it. Now I knew there was something else, something unseen mostly. I could feel it.

Later in life I have experienced it too. And another feeling, like 'tickling', 'endearment', a plasma-like appearence of another being when I was near that person. A wise woman said it was the soul. Also this felt extremely good.

Another type of 'seeing' is to see different appearences, different ages, times. As if there is no real time, everything is a superposition. You only 'seem to' experience one of the time-sheets. You can just as well experience something else, another time.


What has this to do with God and loneliness? It is the superpositions, the Schrödinger cat. The cat is both living and dead at the same time. It is the superpositions that makes it living.

Emotions must be shared to fully experience them. Matti Pitkänen writes:

The birth of TGD is a holistic process taking place in the time span of 32 years involving all physics related things from Planck length scale to quantum biology to cosmology and therefore a diametric opposite of the usual scientific work in which one has a precisely defined problem and method and one can forget everything else in the Universe and be fully left-brained and extremely reductive, precise, and analytic. Therefore it is obvious that I will probably remain the only one who understands what TGD is in this left-brained scientific community. Despite this I am happy and proud albeit somewhat frustrated. Who wants to be a musician playing music which sounds heavenly in his own ears but whom no one bothers to listen? A lonely millionaire is not a happy millionaire.

This text has echoed in me for some time. Then I figured out what was so terrible with loneliness. There are no superpositions. Loneliness means very few superpositions in the Schrödinger cat analogy.

The worst possible punishment in ancient China was deportation outside the wall. In the Greek mythology is told of the different ages of man, how unhappy the only human surviving a catastrophy was, so unhappy she didn't want to live. Small babies that are unloved experience the same. etc.


I must have something to take care of to feel good. It is my privilege as a woman. It has nothing to do with control. It is a superposition.

To love someone is to flood that person, and the loved one must permit the flooding, I read somewhere. A superposition.

When we feel what another person want to say we do projections. We can also project our own feelings on another person. Superpositions again (mirror-neurons connect?).

It is these superpositions that are the most important things in our lives. It really is terrible to be alone.

But to experience God is fabulous. He is many superpositions at the same time? Many aspects of entanglement. It can easily be compared to intense love between humans. It doesn't require anything from you, only that light, white light everywhere. I think this is what the Initations is about, the enlightment. It is very literal. It is very highly addicting.

To make love resembles this a little. Todd Murphy has written about consciousness and sex, where spirituality is stronger. Once I had a dream, saying there must be one of each gender, so we can experience God :). We humans look down on animals having intercourse, when they are experiencing their God. It is well worth fighting for. Darwin was wrong, competition is a weaker force.